Confession
by Assthorn
Summary: Remus remembers. Tonks helps.


Standard disclaimers apply.

Confession

"Lupin?"

He ignored her, staring resolutely at the fire but not seeing it.

"Remus, Molly says you haven't eaten since- that you haven't eaten."

Lupin shrugged, then glanced up when Tonks shoved a plate with a sandwich, pickle and a few apple slices on it into his hands.

"'M not hungry." He muttered, setting it on the rickety wooden end table beside the paisley-patterned sofa.

"You have to eat something." Tonks insisted. "Look, I even cut it diagonally for you."

"You made me a sandwich?" Remus asked, raising his tired eyes to look at Tonks more closely. Her hair was lank and black, her features as close to her own as he'd ever seen them. High cheek bones, pointed chin. He looked away, back at the fire. The fire was safe. It didn't remind him of big smiles or a bit of mustard caught on full lips.

"Yeah," Tonks picked at a loose thread on the arm of the sofa.

"Then I'd definitely better not eat it." He tried to joke, but it fell completely flat. "Nymphadora, I'm sorry. I just..." Remus looked away, unable to bear seeing the sympathy, the pity in her now-dark eyes.

"I know."

"No, you don't. No one does. Sirius and I... he was everything to me. And I only just got him back." Remus shook his head. "Leave me alone, please."

"Maybe it would help if you talked about it?" Tonks asked without looking up.

"No, it's too soon. I don't have anything to say."

"I don't believe you." She said flatly. "You must have something you want to say."

"So what if I do?" Remus growled, tired of her interference, tired of restraining himself and controlling his temper. "It's too late now, isn't it?"

"Depends," She murmured, screwing up her face in concentration as her hair slowly grew out and grew thicker.

"No, Tonks, don't." Remus said sharply.

"Why not?" She asked, halfway through lengthening her nose and shrinking her breasts.

"You need to tell him something? Fine. He'll listen." She continued where she left off. "Tell me if I get something wrong.

Sirius slowly emerged from Tonks' body, shoulders to wide for her shirt, hips to narrow for her low rider jeans. When she was finished she stared at Remus out of soulful grey eyes and Remus quickly looked away.

"This is a bad idea." He said, trying to ignore Sirius'- no, Tonks' hand on his arm and found himself saying. "He has-had callouses. On his hands."

They sat in silence for a long time, Remus wanting but unable to bring himself to look at Tonks. She said nothing and sat quietly, patiently in a way that Sirius never was.

"I," He cleared his throat, breaking the dusty silence. "I miss you."

The hand on his arm moved, gentle, comforting and Remus had to wonder how much Tonks knew or guessed about his relationship with Sirius. They had never hidden it, exactly, but it's not as if they flaunted it for everyone to see.

"You were... you were always there for me, even when I pushed you away. God, I wish I had talked to you after... after Lily and James. Maybe I would have listened and all this time wouldn't have been wasted. But whenever I needed you, you were always there. Do you remember that time, in that flat we got in muggle London I played that David Bowie record because I could plug in the turn table? And you said it was like us and went around singing _if you say run, I'll run with you. If you say hide, we'll hide _until I tackled you and..." Remus faltered and reminded himself that it was Tonks he was talking to, and that she probably didn't want to hear about the sex romps he and Sirius had engaged in when they were younger. It was so hard to remember, though, when those big puppy eyes were staring at him, and he was nodding his head and his hair brushed his too-thin shoulders.

"I still have that record." He continued. "I haven't played it since Azkaban, but I think about it sometimes. I almost played it once at Hogwarts after that quidditch game where Harry made his first Patronus- you were there, weren't you? Seeing him, Prongs I mean, but it wasn't really. That night I kept remembering everything and I couldn't stop and it was worse than that time with the Dementor on the train because the happy memories of you were worse than the bad ones. Anger is so much more filling than loneliness.

"And all those full moon without you, especially before the wolfsbane potion was invented... I was so surprised you wanted me even though I had so many scars. But you just smiled and told me my scars were sexy and I said no they weren't, and you said they were and before I could argue you were kissing me and touching me and I thought I would die, or wake up or something because it couldn't possibly have been real, not after all those years, but you were there, with me, and that's all that mattered. And I thought it was too good to be true." Remus laughed shortly, mirthlessly. "Looks like it was, or at least too good to last. And it was never like it was- back at Hogwarts, when you'd crawl into my bed a whisper promises in my ear before we made love. When you found out I called it that you said I was a girl and that you weren't a poofer after all. Anyway, I didn't think you would actually keep any of those promises, but then after we graduated you asked me to move in with you and you supported me when I couldn't get a job and took care of me during full moons. I- I thought you'd get tired of me and want to move on, but you never did."

Remus stopped, fighting back tears. But Sirius wouldn't accuse him of being a girl now, not when what he was saying was so important so he forged on, trying to ignore the tightness in his throat. "You said you'd stay with me forever. And I believed you. But you didn't. You lied. Then you came back and promised you'd stay with me forever, and I believed you again. But you're not coming back this time, no matter what you promised me. What am I suppose to do now? What?" Remus found himself grabbing at Sirius' ill-fitting t-shirt and glaring at him. "I'm all by myself now, because of you. You left me, and now I'm alone and I have to act like it's all OK so people won't worry and I'm doing a shitty job of it. Even Snape tried to cheer me up. Well, he gave me a bottle of firewhisky and a vial of hangover potion and advised me to drain both. And I did what he told me too, because I didn't know what else to do. But instead of making me forget, it made me remember all of the things I try not to. The way you left without saying goodbye. The way... the way you never told me you loved me."

He didn't realize he had collapsed into Sirius' arms until he noticed that Sirius' shirt was wet from his tears. But he didn't care. It just felt so damn good to have those arms around him again.

"Why didn't you ever tell me you loved me? Even when we were boys, when you promised me the world you never told me. Not once..." Remus trailed off, throat too chocked with tears to go on.

"Shhhh," Sirius murmured, stroking Remus' greying hair. "I do love you. You know that."


End file.
